If you’ve turned away from God, do you know he loves you unconditionally? Kayla Nelson shares her #BeBoldGirl story with us this week. Let her words encourage you to boldly walk back to him. Welcome, Kayla.
God doesn’t really love you. I told myself.
He doesn’t hear you, He doesn’t see you, He doesn’t care about you.
I was baptized as an infant.
My earliest memories involve the church.
I memorized bible verses, led bible studies,
volunteered in ministries, and went on missions trips.
I walked by works and drowned inside my own head,
believing that I would never be enough.
So I walked away.
Away from my church, away from my faith, away from my God.
I remember the first time I said I didn’t believe that God even existed.
Like many young adults, I spent my early twenties trying to find myself. It is hard to find yourself when you don’t know what you are looking for though. My guide became the voices of the company I kept. All the things old boyfriends had told me I was, or wasn’t. All the things media told me I should, or shouldn’t be. The loud and relentless voice of my insecurities.
When I was 23 I moved to Germany on a 13-month contract. I had an empty passport and a long list of travel plans. Those plans were cut short after six months when I found myself crying in a dorm bathroom with a plastic cup of urine and a positive pregnancy test.
Could God ever love me? I asked myself.
I sobbed in the shower that night. Thinking of all the ways I had failed Him.
All the times I had denied Him, ignored Him, disobeyed Him.
All the shame, heartbreak, and destructive choices that had filled my years.
And I thought about the Prodigal son.
I thought about the cross.
I thought about the child growing inside me.
In that moment, it took every ounce of my courage to ask for forgiveness.
To ask the question that had been on my heart for so many years.
Do you really love me?
It was hard to admit that I may have had it all wrong. It was hard to stand in a crowd of those who had seen the way I’d been living and say, “that isn’t who I am anymore.”
That night, sobbing uncontrollably, in a dorm shower, I chose to boldly walk back towards God.
He is bold to draw us near.
It has been nearly six years since that night and that second line on a plastic stick just celebrated her 5th birthday. Her dad never stuck around but God brought the right man, at the right time and we have been happily married for just over a year.
In six years I have learned that when we are bold to walk towards Him, He is bold to draw us near to Him. He is unrelenting in His love but He is also unrelenting in His continued call for us to be bold.
Bold in our faith in Him.
Bold in our prayers to Him.
Bold in our honesty with Him.
Bold in staying the path when He leads you to places that don’t make sense.
That first bold step, will be the first of many.
There have been days where walking away again has been tempting.
Times when I have still asked the question, “do you really love me?”
The walk of faith is never easy but when we are willing to step boldly into His plans, and continue to walk in them, we find that He offers us so much more than we could ever find on our own.
Kayla Nelson is an emotional rambler, a Jesus lover, a wife, and a mama bear. She writes about her life and faith on her site An Ordinary Adventure. Kayla is passionate about encouraging mothers to embrace the ministry of motherhood. She has her B.A. in Early Childhood & Family Studies and currently is a preschool teacher in Georgia. Connect with Kayla on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.